Photo by William Warby on Unsplash
During my second pregnancy almost everything that was familiar started falling apart. I didn’t feel prepared… Not just to give birth, but to create life again. There was so much attachment regarding my beliefs and identity. I felt out of control. Like I would lose myself. I perceived loss all around me. Friends, family members, finances, my voice, my opportunities… My spiritual practice kept me dedicated & my partner, first born & gestating baby reminded me to stay present & to sometimes dream of the future.
Just so you know, I was right. I did lose all those things but not in the way where parts of my life were decreasing in quality or value, but in the same way that a caterpillar gets it’s wings. Every illusory layer of me was shed away. The Divine revealed to me the treacherous company I kept & that the essence of my son was a protective & powerful divine masculine, even from the womb, who encouraged me to be courageous through the dark times. What I perceived as pain was actually granting me power. I was made to be transparent & directly face a lot of my fears. Now I understand the true meaning of sacrifice. I know that the unknown is an ally surprising me with gifts I could have never anticipated. I know that the things I thought I had lost were never meant to be mine any longer & that in truth I gained the ability to be with this new version of me — more certain of my own capabilities & innate worthiness.
If during pregnancy, nothing seems to make sense anymore, if you feel like you need to walk on eggshells around others, but only to keep yourself safe, if you do your best to keep the peace so that you don’t overwhelm yourself and/or the baby, if you can’t seem to relax & instead constantly find yourself worrying, etc. you may be going through the season of Autumn in your life. Trust that the fallen leaves are no longer useful & that you have everything you need. This too shall pass.